Our music selection from the Proms is Beethoven’s Ode To Joy.Tonight’s movie choice is the BAFTA-nominated Project Fear, an apocalyptic morality tale, directed by Ken Loach and starring Stephen Fry.Strikes, computer meltdowns, crippling delays and passengers in revolt.
I am also aware some of you have complained about the 100 per cent fare surcharge levied since you booked your flights.It is set in a futuristic, post-Brexit industrial wasteland, terrorised by Nigel Farage’s Ukip Blackshirts and overrun by zombies and giant snakes, many of them millions of miles long.Those of a nervous disposition are advised not to watch the movie as all toilets on our short flight tonight will remain locked, following an unfortunate incident earlier this week. I’m delighted to say we have now received clearance for take-off.That might explain everything, from the rip-off fares to the shoddy in-flight catering. I was going to say Ladies and Gentlemen, but in line with London Underground, British Airways is no longer using gender-specific forms of address in our announcements to ensure that everyone on board feels welcome, regardless of how they identify — male, female, trans, animal, vegetable or miserable.This column decided to investigate further, boarding the 20.19 scheduled flight from Heathrow to Brussels. As we will shortly be departing the European Union, please put your watches back 50 years.We regret to inform you also that there are no strawberries available on tonight’s flight because of a shortage of foreign fruit pickers.Passengers in our Club Brexit cabin can, however, enjoy the latest exciting additions to our menu: Chicken in Chlorine, and prime Texas fillet of beef, which has been genetically modified, marinated in hormones and generously supplied to us by our new transatlantic partners, Trump International Airlines.We are expecting to encounter severe turbulence as we cross the Channel, so please ensure that your seatbelts are fastened tightly around your necks.Sickbags are provided for all those of you who have still not come to terms with the stupidity of the 17.4 million people who voted Leave.And don’t forget that, as a result of this strategic alliance, those of you planning to travel to the United States in future can now redeem your British Airways Airmiles on any Trump International service — unless, of course, you happen to be a Muslim.Ladies and, er, I’m sorry, everybody, allow me to apologise once again for the delay we are experiencing.